Dial M for Moderation and Live Again
April, 2014
OK, maybe I am exaggerating a bit. We all know “Dial M” is about murder. But consider: Is our overuse of mind-numbing screens actually murdering our brain cells, our capacity to think, our ability to live and connect with our values? Sadly, I think, “Yes.” You’ve heard me say this before—and you’ll hear me say this again–we have a serious problem with too much screentime in our lives. Notice I say “we,” because screen overuse is not just a problem for our kids. Notice I say “we,” because I struggle with screen overuse, too. I check my email and iPhone when I hear the beeps and have succumbed to “binging” or on-line TV addiction with “Game of Thrones” and “Downton Abbey.” And I’m in good company! Even Bill Clinton admitted to watching all of “House of Cards” in three nights. (For you, is it: “Breaking Bad,” “Orange Is the New Black,” “Dexter” . . . ?) Truly, there will be no solution for our kids until we look at our own screen overuse.
If you want to join me in delving into the impact of screen overuse in all of us, come to our showing on April 22nd of Road Trip Production’s new documentary, No Time To Think: How Technology is Shaping Human Behavior, After watching Brian Huston’s and Brian Grubb’s film, which explores obsession with and addiction to new technologies and devices, we’ll have a face-to-face live discussion in my living room about what we want to do and can do about the problem (no, crisis).
When parents come to my talk about “Face to Face: Kids’ Social Lives and the Brain,” they want me to give them some quick and easy solutions to the problem of their kids’ overuse of screens. It’s like coming to a talk about obesity and wanting magical, easy suggestions to fix overeating. In fact, the similarities of screen addiction to food addiction are quite striking. Incredible researcher Doreen Dodgen Magee, Psy.D., first pointed this out to us in “M is for Moderation,” the article she contributed to our Face to Face book. What is different about food and screen addiction compared to other addictions such as drug, alcohol, gambling, and porn is that we can’t live without food or screens 100%. They are part of our lives and here to stay.
So how do we “moderate” screens? Doreen’s article and our entire Face to Face book are loaded with ideas and suggestions. Pick the ideas that appeal to you and then commit. Here is one specific suggestion: Consider a media pyramid similar to a food pyramid. Just like in the food pyramid, some media use is fine, but some things should be avoided at all cost. For example, I would never tell you to NEVER eat ice cream or NEVER play video games. I would, however, say, “DO NOT eat cyanide or arsenic or unknown mushrooms” and just as strongly say, “DO NOT watch porn or excessive violence (e.g., “How to Bully” game) or the exploitation of women” (e.g., “Grand Theft Auto”). FYI, here is what a healthy media pyramid might look like:
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Two other support structures might also help reduce screens in your life:
1. Collaboration with Other Families
Discussions with other parents struggling with the issue of screen overuse can help tremendously. Then you come up with solutions that work in your milieu. With the guidance of our new Face to Face: Cultivating Kids’ Social Lives in Today’s Digital World, you’ll have everything you need for seven sessions of deep discussions on this timely topic. Gather a group of friends and invite them to our “No Time to Think” screening to kick off your discussion group. Another book that can help you with specific tips on media overuse is our featured book-of-the-month, Talking Back to Facebook by Jim Steyer. Steyer is the founder and CEO of Common Sense Media, the nation’s leading kids and media organization.
2. Participation in Screen-Free Week (formerly “TV Turn-off Week”)
Screen-Free Week is May 5-11. You can download a free Screen-Free Week Organizer’s Kit, access essential SFW handouts, find screen-free play ideas, and more. These resources all come from the CCFC: Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood. I consider them my good buddies, because they feed me invaluable information all year long about the latest horror of marketing to kids, and they empower me to do something about it. The latest horror is that the Girl Scouts of the USA accepted $2 million from Mattel to promote Barbie to young girls. I urge you to send a letter to GSUSA’s national leadership recommending they end their partnership with Mattel now!
I know where my edge is, where I need to start: I love my evening movies for relaxation and, yet, knowing what I know about brain development, I am 100% committed to not exposing my grandbaby, Caleb, (now six weeks old) to any screens for as long as possible. So every evening I spend with Caleb will be a step in the right direction of helping me with my screen problem. Truly,there’s nothing like kids for supporting our own personal growth and for “doing things differently”–and I thank all those young people in my life who keep me on the healthy path!
Wishing you joyful, screen-free moments with your loved ones,
Dr. Kathy
The Dance of Empathy and Compassion Take Practice
March, 2014
At birth, we’re hardwired for certain values such as autonomy, connection, belonging, and fun.These values came in handy in enabling our species to thrive and survive. But other values, humans learn. Some of these, including empathy and compassion, are great for our health and overall well-being. These we must teach our children from the get go and exercise regularly (like a muscle)!
To practice empathy or compassion in your relationships, it helps to start where it is easiest. I imagine for each of us that will be different. Should you start with your children, elders, co-workers, partners? Children might start with animals. For me, being 100% compassionate when I hear a tiny baby cry is pretty darn easy, especially if it is my cute new grandson, Caleb Douglas McClain, nearly two weeks old! (Did you notice how quickly I snuck that in?
I am helping my daughter and her husband take care of Caleb. If he cries when I am “on duty” and tired, it might take me a few seconds to take a deep breath and get grounded. Once grounded, however, I turn all my attention to Caleb. I feel for him. I imagine what it must be like to need something and not be able to communicate. I guess all the reasons he might be upset and try them out one at a time, until I hit on the right one. Sometimes it’s easy to figure out what he needs. Sometimes I don’t figure it out, and he cries it out. Then I muse later, wondering what else I could have done to soothe or comfort him, adding that to my guesses the next time.
This compassionate dance is empathy in action. Webster defines empathy as the “feeling that you understand and share another person’s experiences and emotions.” It’s putting yourself in someone else’s shoes, as best as you can, and caring about that person’s well-being.
One person who aptly describes the beautiful interaction between my grandson and his “carelovers” is Dr. David Arredondo during his talk on attunement. The authors of our featured book this month, Born for Love, Why Empathy is Essential — and Endangered, also talk about the power of empathy and early interactions:
- How cuteness is one of Nature’s tricks to get us to care for our young. We just can’t resist nurturing those soft, small beings with big eyes, whether a baby, a puppy, or a kitten.
- How, when a baby sees his/her mother smile, the mirror neurons in the baby’s brain activate the same muscles in the baby’s face.
- How oxytocin is released in both the caregiver and the baby when attuned connection happens. In this way, a baby learns to trust and experience happiness and comfort through the caregiver’s happiness. In a heartwarming study by Kiley Hamlin called “Helpers and Hinderers,” we learn that even six-month-olds prefer people who are kind and helpful.
Sadly, however, in Born for Love, we also learn about what happens when the early dance of caring and connecting does not happen, causing devastating results: anxiety that cannot be easily soothed and may even lead to chronic illness or obesity; anger that leads to violence; all the way to heartless economic and political decisions where profitability is the only goal. Even more concerning is the evidence that empathy is on the decline with our young people, as this Scientific American article describes, with a precipitous drop over the last 10 years among college students. And it may just be critical for us to foster empathy to survive–to be an empathic civilization–says bestselling author, political adviser, and social and ethical prophet Jeremy Rifkin.
Truly, we are wired to connect, but in order to to learn empathy, we must first experience it from our primary caregivers. It is a skill, like language, that we need to practice. You can do so every day with your kids or through exploring new tools during Family Empowerment Network’s Compassionate Communication classes. Honestly, it takes years of practicing to be able to sync our minds with others, to feel 100% understood, accepted, and loved by others. I hope you will join me on this journey of practicing empathy and compassion. The more we can dedicate our hearts and minds to this goal, the faster we will create a more welcoming, supportive world for our little baby Calebs.
With admiration for all you do,
Dr. Kathy
Hi! I’m Dr. Kathy. Welcome to my website! Although Family Empowerment Network is formally closed, we want to keep these resources available to you. Our belief is that parents are the most wise and intuitive about what is best for their children. However, parents sometimes need the support of effective, timeless, compassionate parenting information and strategies. On this website you will find our three parenting books on boys, girls, and kids’ social lives and ten years of monthly newsletter articles. In addition, a powerful, under-recognized resource is the support of other parents. Here you will find how to use our books as discussion guides for monthly self-led parenting groups. One last resource: I am still available to give talks and workshops.
